Christmas With Louise

[dragon wench]

Apparently this is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

[ch85us2001]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

**louise** will be the name of my sock puppet from now on.

[Hill-Shatar]

@ Chu: Images! woah!

Well, its good to know that they made sure that the wonderful cheap lady was taped up for further use.

[Phreddie]

Are we sure it was an ember and not Grandpa who... popped her?

[dj_venom]

That was a...uhh...ummm....interesting piece .

[Hill-Shatar]

This thread had great visions for perversion! How many people here are passing up the chance to point out that they repaired the doll? For what reasons...?

[TonyMontana1638]

I counted 14 possibilities for perversion in that story ... Phreddie! Get on that! You've only done one

Where would the human race be without duct tape? Obviously the 8th wonder of the world ... Forget Ben Franklin's compunding interest ...

[Oscuro_Sol]

Hehe, very... well, odd.

[Phreddie]

Hill we all know why the repaired her, they're from Kentucky, if they werent going to use her to hold some chicken, then the wife was holding allt he chicken, in a manner of speaking, and the husband is not.. satisfied shall we say.

@ tony, bah! pervert yourself! Its christmas time, i spend the season scrooging myself, you wont be getting any presents form me. If on kid comes up to me and asks me for a visa, im sending him straight back 'cross the border,...*grumbels and rants till passes out*

[dragon wench]

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

This thread had great visions for perversion! How many people here are passing up the chance to point out that they repaired the doll? For what reasons...?

My theory, they repaired the doll because they felt guilty about her having been burned... she hadn't even had the chance to... prove her true worth...

This piece reminds me of something that happened last winter...
I was in downtown Vancouver (OK, one of the seedier areas ) and I saw a guy crossing the street.. Under his arm he was carrying a completely naked, anatomically correct blowup doll.

But that wasn't really the strange part. What struck me as humorous was that he was carrying the doll the way most people would carry a briefcase, and his expression and gait exuded absolute nonchalence. Looking at his complete composure, any stranger to the city could have been excused for leaping to the conclusion that every second male in Vancouver's downtown area carries a blowup doll beneath the arm while on his way to a business conference

[Hill-Shatar]

that every second male in Vancouver's downtown area carries a blowup doll beneath the arm while on his way to a business conference

So that's how they handle tense moments in inportant board meetings.

[dragon wench]

Originally Posted by Hill-Shatar

So that's how they handle tense moments in inportant board meetings.

Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the expression "West Coast Easy"

[Aramant]

Originally Posted by Phreddie

i spend the season scrooging myself

In public?

A couple of years ago a Secret Santa gift exchange was arranged at my job. I got a t-shirt that read "FBI: Federal Booty Inspector- It's Our Duty To Inspect That Booty!", and an inflatable sex pig. I passed the pig along to the younger brother of a friend of mine.

He popped it about three hours later.

[Hill-Shatar]

Originally Posted by dragon wench

Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the expression "West Coast Easy"

Certainly laid back.

Never heard the West Coast Easy one. I have heard a lot of others.

[Phreddie]

Rotflmao, tis been awhile....