"But seriously, folks..." (PLEASE READ VERY CAREFULLY)

[Galuf the Dwarf]

More soul-searching done, and I can say this.

My ultimate goal is to prove many people wrong. I've been judged VERY often in my past, mainly because - this thread being a testament - I function QUITE differently than many people. I was evaluated by a psychologist (I think that was what he was) when I was anywhere from 10 to 12, who - along my diagnosis of AS - gave his predictions as to what would happen to me. He believed I would not be able to hold down a job or drive a car. Boy, did I prove him wrong.

Now, one of the greatest challenges I may face is something that many "normal" people have trouble with: maintaining romantic relationships. I've almost pulverised whatever problems that starting college my first official job had brought my way.

I've got some big deals with this subject. Read with all caution, folks.
1) I feel VERY intimidated by couples, no matter how nice or what-not they are. I feel very isolated because I desire a conversation as deep and heart-felt as that which many(if not all) romantic couples have.

2) Romance may be the one way that I get the deep and long-lasting conversations that I desire (Or should I deserve them? Don't know.). Nobody else has really got any time, and I've had my fill of getting long talks out of my folks, so that seems to be the next best option.

3) It might be a bit too much in my head, but if that's the case, then what can restraint do to help my cause? Might possibly put me in more agony. I need to take action, but the problem is finding what action is appropriate. Too many women are getting themselves tied down, and if it's one thing I'm tired of being told, it's "I'm sorry, but I'm already with someone." No ifs, ands or buts... this crud has got to go. I can't stay "romantically prohibited" forever, especially for another year. Deep inside, I just get angrier and angrier now matter where I see signs of romance, whether it's a real couple around me physically, or on television, or even hinted at in a story or a game. I've talked my ear off to so many people about this, and have come to nothing at all, despite the best advice I've heard. "Don't let it get to you." How? It's in my face where I go, and even when I think more than 1/8 of the time! It's the one part of my life that I hardly gotten to taste.

4) Speaking of #3, I've got something to point out in that. Who's to say that I'm not ready for a romantic relationship? Who's to say that I need to change drastically in order to attract a woman. Sure, anticipating doesn't help, but I can't distract myself from romance regardless. I've tried and tried; it's all or nothing now. If I go on like this for much longer (about 4 to 12 months in measurement), I'm feeling prone to go into another stage of major confidence loss. For some people, they struggle with bodily functions (weight, organs, etc.). For others, it's money and a career. For me, it's the social world and romance. Unless I stabilize this, all of my other plans in life could possibly collapse. I can't stand to be alone. I don't just need friends or family. I need love.

[dragon wench]

Galuf, I find myself replying here with caution.. because all too often we seem to end up at loggerheads..
But regarding love and relationships..
Not all have the indepth connections that you are searching for. I have experienced many different relationships and they have all varied considerably in form.
I do appreciate your desire to be in a relationship, you are hardly alone in this regard... Nor are you alone in linking a succesful relationship to self-esteem... so-called "normal," people do it very frequently.. I'm not sure this helps, but I just wanted to say it anyway.
I would like to add that having a successful relationship does not define you or your value as a human being... yet I recognise.. that for you it is a big deal.. and all things considered... this is understandable.
I'm not sure I can really say anything that helps... you don't need the usual platitudes and cliches... but, that being said, I suggest that you continue to believe in yourself. You have clearly overcome some significant obstacles by believing in yourself... perhaps this will serve you in terms of a relationship. But... do not put a time line to it.... these things happen of their own accord...

If you have not already considered it.. perhaps you might want to look into, either online or in real life, seeking a support group of some kind for those living with Aspberger Syndrome. It tends to help a lot when you can touch base with others who understand *exactly* all you experience....

[Coot]

I'm pretty much agreeing with everything DW said. Also, I figure contact with other AS-ers may help you solve some problems. How do others deal with what your describing? And, since you've obviously come very far by yourself, you probably would be able to help out others as well.
Romance can be nice (emphasis on can) but it's not a cure for everything.

[Galuf the Dwarf]

Originally Posted by Coot

I'm pretty much agreeing with everything DW said. Also, I figure contact with other AS-ers may help you solve some problems. How do others deal with what your describing? And, since you've obviously come very far by yourself, you probably would be able to help out others as well.
Romance can be nice (emphasis on can) but it's not a cure for everything.

Well, I had a feeling you'd all say that romance isn't the thing to end all problems. I had a feeling that it may, but - unfortunately - what problems my have are limited to some things that may cause more problems than they're worth.

1) My mother was in contact with such a support group, but - unfortunately - not much good in the line of solutions came out of it. Of people with AS, I'm actually considered quite a bit more socially developed than a good amount of them. Like you say, Coot, if anything, a number of them should be looking up to me.

If I had some more time throughout the year (I might this coming semester, but not sure.) I might look into a support group. However, what I could possibly get out of such is not very sketchy. Who's to say it'll be more of a "I feel your pain, buddy" type of experience rather than gaining actual ideas?

2) DW: Yeah, they do happen with little warning, but what's a guy like me to do in the meantime? I can't stand many more nighst alone, and I CANNOT find any pleasure in whatever's suppose to temporarily replace a romantic partner, so to speak. I've tried everything that is safe, and yet I still only hunger more for a good clean woman's company in the end. Passion is not enough; it needs a loving female mind in there as well. I'm also trying to get away from video games and all, but I'm only finding myself pulled back into while on my big break between semesters. Little else keeps me very satisfied for the time being. I don't feel creative or very ambitious or anything like that. I do get some excericise (read: massive walking) and work done, but it's mainly enough to keep things in order and (in the line of excercise) to keep me in shape.

3) Some young women that I've known with work made it eventually clear that it seemed like I was restraining myself FAR to much when it came to what I could talk about with them. Sure, all of these women that I talk to are romantically tied down, but who's to say that I must restrain myself from intimate connections for much longer? I would have no doubt in believing in myself, but this 'trial and error' in relationships or believing in "romance comes in its own time" are both EXCESSIVE. I'm tired of being the caged dog that endlessly barks and claws at what he can't touch. In many ways, it's like I'm starving myself to keep myself from over-feeding. What could we call it? Romantorexic, maybe? We've got Anorexics (sp?) and 'tanorexics,' so it might work.

4) Sure, not one relationship has the same amount of intimate social connections, but some is far better than none. I'm tired of talking to myself when I'm alone. I constantly feel completely insane. You ought to hear some of the babble that comes out of my mouth when I'm by myself! You'd almost think I'd need a straightjacket some times. I'm tired of talking to friends and family. I wish to talk to a woman that I can love so that it's not me, myself and I for another 3 years or more. I need to be with someone who needs to be REAL close, and is there for more than, say, my money or some-such (read: No hookers/escorts/strippers allowed.).

5) Besides, we all know what happens to people who spend too much time sealed up and away from humanity, right? I don't want to become some crazy hermit or something like that. I once was obsessed with germs and contamination during high school from all the stress I got. Who's to say that such may not come up again with all of my aggrivating romantic isolation? The last thing I want to become is another Howard Hughes.

That reminds me, I better see 'The Aviator' with my dad one of these days.

Oh, and DW, you really don't need to break your sentences up that much. If you're concerned about me skipping over some points you're trying to make by leaving whole sentences and such, please don't worry about that.

[dragon wench]

Galuf,
Okay, but what do you want us to do?
Recognising that some of what is going on here in terms of communication is related to your disorder, it is sort of frustrating trying to speak with you about any of this. A lot of different people here have tried to offer advice, insight and so forth.. but none of it seems to make a difference to you. Again, I understand a bit better now, why this tends to happen, but understanding does not alleviate the difficulties of conversing with you on occasion. I am not trying to be mean here, I am only being honest.

As far as the relationship issue goes, I have a question for you. How do you expect to force a romance into being?
If a girl says, "No," you need to accept that. I understand that it is difficult, and I understand that it hurts. Rejection is never easy, no matter how "normal," a person is. But you can't browbeat another into loving you. Equally, your loathing of couples is not going to score you any points. I can see why you'd be bothered, maybe you perceive them as having something you believe is inaccessible to you, and this makes you feel deeply resentful. But, extreme bitterness like this will not help you in any regard.
Moreover, if a girl is in a relationship, you need to respect that. Not doing so, will only make her angry, and if her boyfriend is the jealous type you might even be risking serious trouble.

I sense that part of the reason you have been able to surmount so many of your difficulties is because you have resolutely shaped and molded your world, and you have defied the obstacles placed upon your life. You have achieved a great deal, in fact much of what you have done is quite amazing, all things considered. But, you cannot mold other people, and you cannot assume that a sense of entitlement is going to lead to a romance.

Finally, I suggest you at least consider some of the advice you have been given.
Maybe support groups are not the answer, but I don't think you can dismiss them and judge them pointless based on only a few experiences. It may take a bit of time and effort on your part to locate a group in which you feel comfortable and that suits your needs.

As far as my sentences go, that is sometimes my writing style, and I write as I see fit on any given occasion.

[Galuf the Dwarf]

Originally Posted by dragon wench

Galuf,
Okay, but what do you want us to do?
Recognising that some of what is going on here in terms of communication is related to your disorder, it is sort of frustrating trying to speak with you about any of this. A lot of different people here have tried to offer advice, insight and so forth.. but none of it seems to make a difference to you. Again, I understand a bit better now, why this tends to happen, but understanding does not alleviate the difficulties of conversing with you on occasion. I am not trying to be mean here, I am only being honest.

As far as the relationship issue goes, I have a question for you. How do you expect to force a romance into being?
If a girl says, "No," you need to accept that. I understand that it is difficult, and I understand that it hurts. Rejection is never easy, no matter how "normal," a person is. But you can't browbeat another into loving you. Equally, your loathing of couples is not going to score you any points. I can see why you'd be bothered, maybe you perceive them as having something you believe is inaccessible to you, and this makes you feel deeply resentful. But, extreme bitterness like this will not help you in any regard.
Moreover, if a girl is in a relationship, you need to respect that. Not doing so, will only make her angry, and if her boyfriend is the jealous type you might even be risking serious trouble.

I sense that part of the reason you have been able to surmount so many of your difficulties is because you have resolutely shaped and molded your world, and you have defied the obstacles placed upon your life. You have achieved a great deal, in fact much of what you have done is quite amazing, all things considered. But, you cannot mold other people, and you cannot assume that a sense of entitlement is going to lead to a romance.

Finally, I suggest you at least consider some of the advice you have been given.
Maybe support groups are not the answer, but I don't think you can dismiss them and judge them pointless based on only a few experiences. It may take a bit of time and effort on your part to locate a group in which you feel comfortable and that suits your needs.

As far as my sentences go, that is sometimes my writing style, and I write as I see fit on any given occasion.

1) I can see that. Even my mother has difficulties with trying to understand the way that my mind works. If anyone was to truly try to take the wind out of my sails at times, it would likely be her.

It's also part of a reason that my own posts take up to 2 hours to make. I have to decide my words carefully if anyone - even myself - are to understand them. I really have to validate what I communicate for their measures of truth and clarity. Like I said a few posts ago, sometimes I may say something that may sound fitting to somebody but is actually a mistake on my part, in the end. That is likely part of the reason I may lead to much confusion for many people.

2) Trust me, it's not in myself to throw a monkey wrench in anyone else's relationship or barge into a woman's life. I am very nice and all to couples. It's just that I'm quite jealous deep inside, and I'd like to be able to cool that down a little. I know what it means when a girl says "No," but I don't accept the fact that I can't find something to fight this romantic isolation & intimidation, or that this is how life is. The single man's life isn't something I'm completely comfortable with. The joy of doing things that I can't within a relationship is beginning to fade. It often does feel that couples have things in their interactions that I would dream of.

3) Yes, you could say that I've "molded my world." Molding others is not something I totally look forward to, though. Neither is using my past accomplishments to net women. I often ask myself what I am worth as a possible companion to a woman. Sure, human lives really can't be given a numerical value, but I've got a hunch that something can be said about me, as with many others. Do ANY women at all give a thought to what social/romantic qualities I have? That would definitely be difficult for many women, due to the marital status of many (ie: married or having a boyfriend/fiance). Having a sense of where I may stand with many women is often what gives me propulsion for feeling good. For so many years, I fealt like junk because many of my peers really gave me little regard at all. Sure, I didn't have to be the center of attention the whole time, but wouldn't the fact that hardly anyone seemed to give a care really bug anyone else who experienced it? I'm not sure.

4) I have a question, then. What can/should I do if I may still have a long wait? I'm trying to examine for any options besides aggression or passive patience in which to explore relationships. In whole, I suppose such alternatives do not exist. The only way I've really gone much of anywhere socially was by other people arranging events, such as social worker-type people actually taking me to places to develop some social strength. In many ways, people had to be aggressive for me to get to be where am I now. How hard is it to achieve a balance between the motivated socializer and the passive hermit?

[Galuf the Dwarf]

For further clarification, in finding where I stand as a possible romantic partner, I also could possibly follow some advice of others earlier in this thread. Mainly, I could really check the impressions I leave on people. This may be crucial, as a woman who could possibly be a romantic partner could have such a relationship discreetly effected by the impressions that I leave.

Unfortunately, I can state one thing in that I don't really think personality changes can really help in staying true to myself. I still have some people that think I need to chill at times, but for the most part, it doesn't entirely seem worth much. Besides, by changing the way I think and act, I practically might not be Galuf the Dwarf anymore. Being true to myself pretty much means being true to others, isn't it?

[Magrus]

Originally Posted by Galuf the Dwarf

Besides, by changing the way I think and act, I practically might not be Galuf the Dwarf anymore. Being true to myself pretty much means being true to others, isn't it?

Quite true and unfortunately too many people, at least those around me in my own experiences, simply never learn this. I learned that at far too young an age I think and went through a great deal in school because of it but I've always just acted how I felt best and won't change for anyone. Granted, there are some things I will bend in among certain groups of people to keep from causing situations but thats just a measure of keeping the peace in my book.

Attempting to BUILD a relationship on false pretenses of how you really are will almost undoubtably fail which would lead you right back to where you are now and let down and miserable on top of being lonely. I've known for years that put simply, just about no-one close to my age was ready for what I wanted out of a relationship and I'm slowly closing in on the age where other people are maturing enough for that but thats hard in-and-of itself. I decided that unless someone truly remarkable came along, and there have been a few, I wouldn't bother with attempting to create a relationship unless the other person showed the initiative and seemed serious about it. Why? I'm quite hard to understand when you get past simply hanging out or chatting occasionally. Someone ambitious enough to come to me might just be interested enough to work through all of that and stick with me. Someone I convince in a bar, probably not.

It may sound cheesy, but logically it makes sense. If your looking for a long-term, serious relationship, be yourself and when someone comes along that enjoys how you act and you two hook up you won't have any worries with changing yourself. I have some odd and strange quirks, my female friends adore me though because I'll be honest about everything, which does get me into trouble, but they at least know what they're getting into when asking me things. For some reason, most guys my age don't want to know the truth unless it affects them though.

Also, keep in mind, rejection of friendship or love isn't all that uncommon for the average person. Too many associate the extreme examples as the norm, and get depressed about their situation. I've seen those supermodel type girls, and guys, both get slammed and turned down just as often as everyone else for the fact they were too arrogant and it pushed people away. The only people that would deal with them were those just interested in how they looked. Having someone not being interested in you should be looked at as just saving you the time and effort of having them bail on you later. You got an honest reaction right up front. It's nothing bad necessarily, every person has those people they click with and those that grate on their nerves.

There are people that lately, comment on all the wonderful friends I have, which a few of them are. Unfortunately I went through some truly nasty friendships before I met those people, and the same goes with girlfriends.

Whatever you end up doing, good luck with it. I just found out an old friend from high school, gorgeous, sweet girl is now dating a deaf guy. A far cry from her last relationships and it shows she's grown up. I've not seen her in a year and a half, nor met the person but from what I heard she decided on getting someone who treats her well rather than a rich guy with good looks. If you treat people how they deserve, eventually you'll end up having people notice that you do so.

[Galuf the Dwarf]

Well, I suppose it's time I (kind of) got some other problem off of my chest.

The thing is, I often feel very hurt when people don't respond to whatever it is that I want people to do so. My emails, PMs, everything under the sun in that respect. Look at it this way; my last girlfriend didn't attend a play I was performing at, without a single word, especially of a sentence like "I don't want to go." People I've known from high school (oddly, these people being adults who helped me develop the better parts of myself) haven't replied to my last emails to them in months.

Yes, I know I shouldn't expect much in return in order to be a friend or some-such, but it's a big chunk of the reason that I feel isolated from everyone else, if not feel like I'm not human. When people don't respond, though, I feel shot in the back, constantly. I feel like people use rules and morals to better themselves and bury me in misery. I feel betrayed, murdered, or worst yet, broken. I can't completely blame anyone, even myself.

Part of the reason that I act serious is to really encourage people to pay attention; otherwise, I may just go nowhere with intended results by letting things slide.

However, I'm not one to try JUST ANYTHING to improve my situation. I know that some actions have more consequences than others. Still, am I to stare at a continually dwindling inner flame for so long? How much am I risking the possibility of being twisted beyond the pleasure of things like the Ring of Sauron did to Frodo Baggins?

The bright bulb grows dimmer at a snail's pace, and although it remains bright enough to see, the shadows are slowly growing. In all, folks, you could say you are a reading the words of a victim, a victim of a crime that really can't be pinned to a culprit. The crime is loneliness, the pain that afficts so many on its own without being detected until it's too late.