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03-08-2005, 11:25 AM
|  | Moderator and Twisted Sister | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
Posts: 18,185
| |  Bless the Church Ladies
I hope this doesn't cause any offense; there is certainly none intended on my part, it just gave me a few laughs 
I somehow doubt these are actually real, but still, they're mildy entertaining  They're back! Church Bulletin Board Bloopers. (Thank God for church ladies with typewriters). These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:
a) Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Cavalry Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
b)The fasting and prayer conference includes meals.
c)The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
d)Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
e)The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
f) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" [sic] to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
g) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
h) Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
k) Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of pastor Jack's sermons.
m) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
n) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall...Music will follow.
o) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
p) Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
q) Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
r) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
s) Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
t) The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
u) Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
v) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
w) This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
x) Ladies bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the BS is done.
y) The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
z) Low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
aa) The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
bb) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge; up yours!"
__________________
testingtest12Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
testingtest12.......All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain. |
03-08-2005, 11:31 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: May 2001 Location: Here
Posts: 10,553
| | | LMAO!!! I like the last two the best.
__________________
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? - Khalil Gibran
"We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!" - Winston Churchill
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03-08-2005, 11:42 AM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,956
| | Those are hilarious.
You know I can believe some of those are real for the simple fact of two of the signs we have up around my mom's town. I've been wanting to take pictures and put them up here because they're GREAT but I just never remember to grab a camera when I go out that way and don't have a functioning scanner. 
Anyways, one says "Now: Tingly Rubbers, perfect gifts for your husband this Christmas" at a shoe repair place. It's been up since November, and no, I am not joking. 
Another is a pet store, which is named "D1ck's Exotic Critter's and Thing's".
Thats not even going into strange road signs around here.
A friend of mine sent me a link a while ago with pictures of strange church signs all over the place with two or three of those on that list and a few others that aren't on there as well. I've lost it unfortunately with my computer crashing on me inbetween then and now.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone" |
03-08-2005, 11:50 AM
| | Moderator and Twisted Sister | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
Posts: 18,185
| | @Magrus, ROFL @ "The Tingly Rubbers" 
Of that list my favourites are probably:
"The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"."
"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
__________________
testingtest12Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
testingtest12.......All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain. |
03-08-2005, 11:57 AM
|  | Moderator | | Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In the Batcave with catwoman. *prrrr*
Posts: 4,857
| | How about this one.
__________________ Guinness is good for you.
Gives you strength. |
03-08-2005, 11:58 AM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,956
| | I pointed that sign out to my mother and step-father on Christmas and my mother nearly ran off the road in shock from seeing it. It's right around the corner from their house and they've never noticed it. The shops been there since before they were in high school. 
I loved these:
q) Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
r) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
I just think it's our own ability to twist things we see, and theirs for looking at everything in such a pure light. I mean, if one of my friends said something like that, he'd be ASKING to be picked on for days!
@Rob-hin, that just made my day! 
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
Last edited by Magrus; 03-08-2005 at 12:01 PM.
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03-08-2005, 12:02 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Law School library, Vermont, USA
Posts: 1,230
| | Amen! Up yours, brothers and sisters! |
03-08-2005, 12:08 PM
| | Moderator and Twisted Sister | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
Posts: 18,185
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Rob-hin How about this one. | ROFLMAO!!!! Beautiful!
__________________
testingtest12Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
testingtest12.......All those moments ... will be lost ... in time ... like tears in rain. |
03-08-2005, 12:46 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Cell Block E
Posts: 2,148
| | hehe excellent. All good. I have a huge list of these somewhere, I'll try and dig it out and post them
__________________ Mag: Don't remember much at all of last night do you? Me: put simply.... No
Mag: From what I put together of your late night drunken ramblings? Vodka, 3 girls, and then we played tic-tac-toe and slapped each other around.
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03-08-2005, 01:13 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: In a world full of hate
Posts: 1,409
| | g) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Too bad the fun doens't last long if the church helps everyone to commite suicide
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"Life is short and hard like a body-building elf" |
03-08-2005, 01:30 PM
|  | Exalted Member | | Join Date: May 2004 Location: Stargazing in a field
Posts: 1,092
| | lmao! Those are just wonderful!
__________________ Under Sun and Sky, outlander, we greet you warmly This message was brought to you by the priests of the Goddess of the Werebears |
03-10-2005, 11:53 AM
|  | Moderator | | Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: I'm from Iowa, I just work in space.. Okay the Spa
Posts: 2,824
| | Those are great! I'm forwarding them to my Father-in-law who is a music minister for a Southern Baptist church. He'll love them. He's not your typical Baptist minister. He loves classic rock, drinks beer, has long hair, and is way into motorcycles and biker chicks.  He's pretty cool altogether.
I haven't seen too many church mishaps but there is a Salvation Army thift store with a sign like this: (SA logo) THRIFT STORE
I think maybe they should replace some bulbs.
__________________
"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security,
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."
Thomas Jefferson
Last edited by jopperm2; 03-10-2005 at 11:57 AM.
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03-10-2005, 03:41 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,956
| | | Thats funny, there was a paint store down the road from my mom a few years ago with the signs you slide the black lettering into to make words. Only they wouldn't order more letters and ended up leaving letters out because they didn't have enough. So you'd end up seeing odd abbreviations for sales and such. Some of them were, not right. At all. I can't recall any though sadly.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone" |
03-10-2005, 04:13 PM
| | Moderator | | Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: I'm from Iowa, I just work in space.. Okay the Spa
Posts: 2,824
| | | There was a sign like that in the welfare office in Iowa. The poor workers there could never keep the right info on it because young houligans (read: me) would always go and rearrange things since there was no one in that room. It was just a lobby with the directory and elevators.
__________________
"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security,
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."
Thomas Jefferson |
03-10-2005, 05:38 PM
| | Exalted Member | | Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NY
Posts: 16,956
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by jopperm2 There was a sign like that in the welfare office in Iowa. The poor workers there could never keep the right info on it because young houligans (read: me) would always go and rearrange things since there was no one in that room. It was just a lobby with the directory and elevators. | Ha, thats awesome. This sign was just from a lack of effort and desire to look good on the part of the owners. They only had two of each letter and number, so running sales on that sign was always an adventure in spelling for them.
__________________ "You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
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