Asking the only question that matters

[Zelgadis]

Later next month comes the aniversary of me asking the most important woman in my life to marry me, so its been on my mind more and more. She and I came into the army at about the same time, and went to AIT (the school after Basic) together, and then after that we were stationed to the same post. Last January, we were both scheduled to come out of field training with our units on the same day. My field training was mostly me just sitting in my cot, so I started thinking about her more and more, and then decided to ask her to marry me. So the day I get off, the first thing I do after taking a shower is go to the PX and find a ring. Next I call her, but she says she's going to sleep because she'd been working constantly all week. So we say our goodnights and go to sleep. The next day she's still tired, so we just order chinese and watch movies in her room all day. And I'm just sitting there for hours, trying to decide on the best time and way to ask. Eventually she starts telling me its time for me to leave, and I briefly think of putting it all off until tomorrow, but I figure I'll just use that as an excuse to postpone indefinatly. So I turn to her and tell her that before I go I have something important and serious to ask her, so she puts on her serious face and tells me to go ahead. At this point we're both sitting on her bed, so I pause a moment to curse at myself because the way we're situated prevents me from taking a knee and that seems important, and then I just lean over and ask her to marry me.

Now, let me tell you ladies out there, durring these kinds of things it is very, very, very important that you don't laugh. Cry, scream, or even stay silent, anything but laugh. Its too ambiguous.

So she laughs for a little bit and then puts on her serious face again. She trys on the ring and through pure luck it fits, I'd been guessing on the size. So then we talk for another hour and I leave, without any commitment from her. A few months after that my unit deployed to S Korea, and she's still very noncommital about it. I've barely spoken to her in the last three months, because her unit went crazy about training, and then about a month ago went to Kuwait. They should be back tomorrow, so I'm really excited and can't stop thinking about her. My unit doesn't go back to the States until may, so I won't see her until then, but just emailing her and talking to her on the phone again will be wonderful.

Andway, I wanted to hear what people thought about the way I proposed, I know its no fancy dinner and fireworks show like the movies tell us are expected, but I think she thought it was touching.

[Brynn]

Originally Posted by Zelgadis

Now, let me tell you ladies out there, durring these kinds of things it is very, very, very important that you don't laugh. Cry, scream, or even stay silent, anything but laugh. Its too ambiguous.

Hehe, OK I'll remember that if I'll ever get into such situation

The lack of fancy dinner and fireworks is a problem only in movies... RL ladies like to be taken serisouly, that's all

She still hasn't given any answer since then...? What do you think about that?

[fable]

You gave her a ring, and asked her to marry you, four months ago. She still hasn't replied. I think an answer one way or the other within a few days, after asking to think about it, is legit. Four months later...? She's being remarkably insensitive, in my opinion. I have no idea why she's stringing you along like that--or why you've waited so long to do anything about it. Either cut your losses at once and leave, or ask her why she's behaving in such a fashion. Don't settle for silence or vague promises of future discussion. Comunicating is your friend.

[Zelgadis]

I don't know why she hasn't accepted or declined. I figure it might be because I'm on the other side of the world right now. I'm also 8 years younger than her, that might be making her nervous. Or maybe she'd just rather focus on her career right now. When I get back to the States, I'll definatly ask her about it, its to hard to try to get an answer from all the way over here.

[C Elegans]

Zelgadis, are you sure she understood you were serious in your proposal? The reason I ask is that as far as I understood from your description of the events, you did not actually have a relationship when this happened?

You should definitely ask her as soon as you have the opportunity.

[VonDondu]

Zelgadis, I don't think you should worry about HOW you proposed. It doesn't matter what WE think. You did it and it's done. The important thing is that you asked her to marry you, and the most important question is whether she wants to marry you.

You're in a very strange situation. You and she have very poor communication and very little control over when you get to see each other. What do you expect your marriage proposal, or marriage itself, to accomplish? In other words, what are you expecting? If she said yes to your proposal, would your relationship with her improve?

I'm going out on a limb here, but it sounds to me like you don't have a strong hold on her, and asking her to marry you is a way for you to get a stronger hold on her. Don't get me wrong--I sympathize with your desire to have more control over the situation and with your desire to form a stronger bond with the most important woman in your life. Whether you are successful depends on whether she wants to marry you.

I think you deserve an answer to your proposal, and I'm afraid she's been blowing you off. It started with that little laugh of hers. She might have thought your proposal was absurd but didn't have the heart to tell you that marriage wasn't a good idea. Maybe she's hoping that you'll forget about it if she doesn't answer you. But you were serious, and you need an answer from her as soon as possible, so you should ask her for one. She has had more than enough time to think about it.

Good luck!

[fable]

Originally Posted by Zelgadis

I don't know why she hasn't accepted or declined. I figure it might be because I'm on the other side of the world right now. I'm also 8 years younger than her, that might be making her nervous. Or maybe she'd just rather focus on her career right now.

You shouldn't have to come up with answers. That's her job.

When I get back to the States, I'll definatly ask her about it, its to hard to try to get an answer from all the way over here.

Good. This must be done in person. Don't let yourself be fobbed off with evasive replies or stalls.

[TonyMontana1638]

I have no experience in these matters , but it shouldn't be the way in which you propose that matters; that much seems clear to me. If she truly loves you for who you are then she'd recognize the fireworks aren't necessary. If the way you proposed were to bother her at all, then she doesn't feel that way about you and it wasn't really meant to be in the first place; the proposal itself shouldn't ruin anything.

As for her response... Hmmm, maybe I'm outta line here because I don't know her in the slightest but I'll give some possible scenarios...

1. She has kind of committed by taking the ring, but she isn't sure what to do still... She's trying to work stuff out in her head. The fact she took it is a good sign, as if she wasn't interested at all I doubt she would've taken it. Maybe the whole "opposite sides of the world" thing is weighing on her mind, maybe she's just trying to work out her feelings. It's odd it would take this long, but hey... Chicks ...

2. Maybe she wasn't sure you were serious (as was mentioned before): I don't know how long you were dating or anything etc, etc so it's hard to tell why that might be (for example have dinner with her twice and asking her to marry you will get you some giggles friend ) but that would cause the noncomittance.

Does she wear the ring when you see her (or was she when you saw her last) because that'd be a good sign obviously... If not... Eh...

I don't know man... Just throwing stuff around here cause I'd like to give you an answer and help a brotha out, but I don't know anything about you guys. What's been said about communication you guys obviously need to work on, but that's ok: nobody goes into a marriage having everything worked out perfectly. Confront her about it in person and be assertive about it: get an answer if you have to lock her in the room with you.

Anyways I doubt any of this helped but good luck to you friend .

[Zelgadis]

As far as her know whether or not I was serious, I'm pretty sure she knows I wouldn't spend a bunch of money on a ring unless I was serious. And I told her up front I was serious, I figure she laughed just because it was unexpected. For a while she wore the ring, but our job has strong reasons that discourage the wear of jewelry, and thats a habit most of us take into our private lives, just so we don't forget.

As far as our relationship, we've been very close for most of the time I've known her. I don't think theres much that I could ask her that she wouldn't give an honest answer to, and vice versa. For last Christmas, she gave me a watch of large monetary and sentimental value, so I know she trusts me and I'm more than a regular friend.

[txa1265]

I think that you guys do have some extenuating circumstances, but otherwise agree with fable.

Since you had limited time before shipping out, perhaps she was not able to conjure the needed serious mindset to make the proper decision.

And that is important - my wife and I had our 13th anniversary this year, and while we are very happy and enjoy a great marriage, we are seeing too many failed - or virtually failed - marriages around us.

Communication is central to any relationship.

So when you two are together again, you need to have a serious discussion - not just 'so what gives with your answer to my proposal?', but more along the lines of 'what are your thoughts regarding me, our relationship, and its place in your life now and in the future'.

Take heart - the fact that she didn't reject you out of hand might mean she is taking this very seriously, which is good. Of course, if she is the type to avoid confrontation, she might have just been avoiding saying 'no' before you both shipped out - but that type of person would generally make use of indirect communications, meaning she would have said nothing to your face and then rejected you by mail/email.

Good luck - and remember that the answer you want might not be the answer you need.

Mike

[Lestat]

Well, at the risk at seeming intrusive, but I think in evaluating the situation it is important to keep in mind what type of relationship you were having.

If your relationship with her before your proposal was mainly playing on the friendship level, however close it might be, rather than on a romantic level, she might actually not consider you as a love interest, but maybe as her best friend/confident/... and, as a consequence, be reasonably reluctant to give you one answer or the other. She might be afraid to say no because she doesn't want to lose the friendship, but yes might be a step to far for her.