a poem

[dark_raven]

judge this poem for me please don't post your poems here
-torment-
a love once so great
that once seemed as fate
now vexes my soul
tormenting fears stole
away from me
love that everyone could see
how i regret that day
love had gone away
every fiber of my being
wishes that what I’ve seen
will stop the torment
but to me it was sent
and to me it will be
a tormenting sea
of forever darkness
and brokeness
-ÐR

[Galuf the Dwarf]

Bravo, DR! I'd have to say that some great poet out there (perhaps Edgar Allen Poe, if he could read this) would be honored greatly.

I became quite reputed here in GameBanshee at one point for my poetry. Unfortunately, such creativity (along with most of my other writing) fled like those 3 past years, and I'm just 20 years old!

[dark_raven]

Originally Posted by Galuf the Dwarf

Bravo, DR! I'd have to say that some great poet out there (perhaps Edgar Allen Poe, if he could read this) would be honored greatly.

why thank you...
i wrote that poem when i was e-mailing my ex-girlfriend, she had sent me one so while answering back i wrote that one, thought it wasn't bad so i saved it

[Mccool]

I'm then guessing it wasn't supposed to be a happy poem then? Tis pretty good though, keep writing!!!!!

[Vicsun]

Since you asked for opinions, I'll tell you what I think is wrong with your poem (hope you don't mind the criticism...)

• Use punctuation - no punctuation does not make you unique. Really.
• Capitalize when necessary - same as punctuation. Writing with no caps at all does not make you unique either. As a matter of fact both the lack of punctuation and lack of capitalization create an atmosphere of amateurishness around your poem. If you read random poetry in pre-pubescent blogs-of-whine(tm) you'll notice that the common denominator is always the lack of capitals and the lack of punctuation. Oh, and a subject matter of 'pain' 'anguish' 'darkness' and 'torment'. Move as far away from those poems as possible. They are the devil.
• Concentrate on your poem making sense - the rhyming is fine and dandy but many parts of the poem don't make sense - Right now, not only is the thing one whole sentance that is more tedious to read than it should be due to the lack of punctuation, but 'now vexes my soul / tormenting fears stole / away from me / love that everyone could see' makes little sense.
• Look at the rhythm - rythm is generally more important than rhyme in a poem. Try choosing some definite rhythm and sticking firmly to it - you'll find your poems will sound better.
• Don't be too self-pitiful - not a rule, but a guidline.

Do you read poetry? Do you read any that isn't Edgar Allan Poesque?
May I recommend you take a look at someone like UA Fanthorpe for a breath of fresh air?

Here is a poem written by another forum member, which you might want to take a look at. Personally, I think it's fantastic

[dark_raven]

Originally Posted by Vicsun

Since you asked for opinions, I'll tell you what I think is wrong with your poem (hope you don't mind the criticism...)

thanks for the input... but as i said before, it was a spare of the moment thing... but one thing i forgot to mention was that it was written at 2:00am... i was too tired to think on puncuations and the like (what you mentioned). i'll probally go back and make corections and stuff later and repost the final. consiter this my "ruff draft". thanx again for the input, it was exectly why i posted the poem.

Originally Posted by Vicsun

Do you read poetry? Do you read any that isn't Edgar Allan Poesque?May I recommend you take a look at someone like UA Fanthorpe for a breath of fresh air?

maybe i should just read poetry that would help in writing it, right?

[dragon wench]

The first thing I would like to say is that I find critiquing poetry quite difficult. This is because in most cases, poetry stems from a deeply personal place, and more often than not, is a form of processing as much as it is artistic expression (of course, it can also be argued that the vast majority of art originates from pain or angst ).
Further, because it does allow for a freeform style that can deviate completely from more conventional standards of grammar and punctuation, it can be difficult, IMO to find the line between 'poor writing' and intended effect or emphasis.
For example, if I am writing a poem that is largely directed at a particular individual, I may end up capitalizing "You" in mid-sentence, but you also have to be careful when and how you do that, and this tends to be intuitive rather than any sort of hard and fast rule.

Okay, enough rambling... Some thoughts on your poem

a love once so great
that once seemed as fate
now vexes my soul
tormenting fears stole
away from me
love that everyone could see
how i regret that day
love had gone away
every fiber of my being
wishes that what I?ve seen
will stop the torment
but to me it was sent
and to me it will be
a tormenting sea
of forever darkness
and brokeness

I think you do an excellent job at conveying your pain. My 'criticism' is that your expression tends to be a little clicheed. There are many poems out there about torment and darkness.. but they use imagery and suggestion to articulate those emotions.
That being said, I think your writing shows a lot of promise and I like the poem, you clearly have some raw talent. As Vicsun comments, reading the poetry of others is a great route to furthering one's understanding of the mechanisms of poetry.
Another suggestion for reading, contempory this time, Irving Layton.
I really like his work. Though, of course, what we like or do not like is highly subjective.

[Vicsun]

Originally Posted by dragon wench

Another suggestion for reading, contempory this time, Irving Layton.

UA Fanthorpe is a contemporary poet

However, for non-contemporary poetry, may I suggest John Keats, especially Ode to Autumn and Ode to a Nightingale? They can be a hard read if English isn't your first language (I have to admit to resorting to a dictionary more than once, despite my relatively good english), however you'll find yourself hard pressed to find poetry featuring a richer language.

[dragon wench]

lol! Sorry Vicsun, for some reason my brain just focused on Poe.. I have not yet had my caffeine fix

Definitely Keats... He is, IMO, one of the best poets to have ever written in the English language

[dark_raven]

thanx all for the input

here is one i wrote a year ago in school...

-I am falling-
I am falling
From where, from here
From everywhere
From nowhere
Falling into darkness
Don't have anything
To light my way down
I am not falling anymore
Gently landed and being lifted
Higher and Higher I go
Why
I look up
I am looking into Heaven
I see a light
I am confused
I see a king
Lifting me out of
The darkness into
The light
I am listening to
The words of this king
"I am everything you need
I have saved you from death
Will you pledge your allegance to me"
I am Listening to another
Voice saying
"Yes, m'Lord, i will"
That voice was mine
-ÐR