A Dilemma

Obsidian · #1 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 10:44 AM

Right, so I'm finding myself heading for a world of trouble, and I can't find a way to elude it. Disclaimer: Please don't interpret any of the following as arrogant please.
So here's the problem. I'm 20, and I'm dating a 18 year old. Nothing to bad there I don't think, but I've come to the realization that I am going to break this girls heart. I like her well enough, I like her a lot actually, but I'm not nearly so attached to her as she is to me. We've only been going out a short time, but things have already gotten pretty hard and heavy, to the point where I think we should slow down.
Now, I know myself, and realize that it's very likely in 2 months time, I will move on. I mean, I'm already asking myself questions about how to deal with breaking up with her. It's not because I don't like her, it's because I know I'll never love her.

I don't want to have it look like I just used her, but at the sametime, I know that I just am.

So heres my dilemma, should I a) slow things down, and try harder
b) break up with her now, or c) just wait and see where it goes?

Thanks.

Normally I don't put much stock into asking advice from the internet, but I really need a divergent view here.
'

giles337 · #2 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 10:47 AM

Ask yourself, is it worth trying harder? If you think it is, and you can gain from it, then go for it. If not, be perfectly (if brutally) honest, and tell yourr gf how you feel. Hopefully you guys will still stay close.
Heres Wishing you the best of luck

Magrus · #3 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 10:56 AM

I've been there and often. For some reason, I generally end up with younger girls. At our age, 2-3 years younger can be a world of difference in experience and maturity.

If you know you won't be getting into the kind of relationship with her that you want and need, you should tell her. I hate having to push girls away that care for me, but the sooner the better. If you two choose to be together knowing it's temporary, then so be it. Knowing you won't fall in love with her though, you should let her know, so the two of you can decide whether to part or have fun together. She may not care, and say she would rather stick with you for a while. She may be looking for a long-lasting relationship and in this case, knowing you don't feel that way for her move on.

I hope it works out for you.

Obsidian · #4 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 12:21 PM

At the time I didn't think age would be a real factor, but it's becoming apparent it is.
Thanks to work, I have 2 weeks til I see her again.
I don't think I can afford to be honest about ending the relationship here and now. One, I do like her, and enjoy our time together, and two, we crossed a certain threshold last night ( I think everyone knows what I'm talking about) and if I told her I wanted to break up now, I think see see that as me using her, and rightly so.

Definately something I have to talk to my sis about. *sigh* this is why I don't date damnit.

Magrus · #5 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Obsidian

At the time I didn't think age would be a real factor, but it's becoming apparent it is.
Thanks to work, I have 2 weeks til I see her again.
I don't think I can afford to be honest about ending the relationship here and now. One, I do like her, and enjoy our time together, and two, we crossed a certain threshold last night ( I think everyone knows what I'm talking about) and if I told her I wanted to break up now, I think see see that as me using her, and rightly so.

Definately something I have to talk to my sis about. *sigh* this is why I don't date damnit.

Simply let her know how you feel for her. Let her know you enjoy spending time with her, and that you like her, but aren't sure if it's something you see lasting. If she is wanting that, she'll leave. If she is at the same place your at, she may be fine with it. Regardless, wouldn't you want to know? Whether it upsets her or not is irrevelant really. If you hold back and say "well, I've thought about it the last 3 months, but I can't say it's worth spending time with you", she's far more likely to be pissed off. I know I would be.

Letting her know you don't want her gone, you enjoy her company and presence, but are quite unsure whether it will be a lasting relationship seems prudent. She may end up upset, but then again, a mature person would appreciate the honesty and that is just how things are.

Darth Zenemij · #6 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 01:54 PM

Yeah giles does have the right idea. Just think of how important it is to try harder.

winter rose · #7 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 04:53 PM

I feel like hearing about a relationship thats working out.Honestly all of them seem to be depressing these days.

Obsidian-- I think you should see what happens. Ive yet to hear about that love at first sight theory actually being true. I think that you can only truly love a person when you know him/her. At this point, I cant blame you for just liking her. And who knows it might grow into something more.However if you're that its not going to work out, be honest and tell her so.

Obsidian · #8 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winter rose

I feel like hearing about a relationship thats working out.Honestly all of them seem to be depressing these days.

Heh, because relationships that go perfectly smoothly last a very short time, are fictional, or just aren't as fun to hear about.

@Magrus - I think you've got the right of it. But I have plenty of time to deal with this, and she does know I'm not looking for a long term, I think I just have to get in there and curtail any thoughts she has of us being "Together" for an extended period.

Brynn · #9 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 05:50 AM

Obsidian, it looks like you already know the answer...

DON'T try harder, it makes no sense. If you know you'll never love her, you'll never love her.

As I see you're clever enough not to work against yourself, that's good. (Yeah, some people rather lie to themselves - and to others as well - just b/c they're too weak to assume what they feel). *shrugs*

Good luck, and don't worry. Probably it'll take some time but she'll be OK.

Obsidian · #10 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 07:07 AM

I hope your right. Because the relationship really is enjoyable, but gets dragged down by this sense of impending doom and heart break.
She likes the same music, has similar hobbies, is organizing an adventure race, and is ridiculously hot. Yup, I have it good for now.

ik911 · #11 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Obsidian

(...)ridiculously hot. (...)

Well, send her to me.. She will be in good hands and will forget about her troubles in no time.

jopperm2 · #12 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 10:09 AM

Keep her around until you find someone that you do love, then leave her for the new girl.

The old girl won't want you anymore, and the new one will think that you really sacrificed leaving you girl for her.

If you are going to break someone's heart, you may as well get some advantage out of it and do it right.

ik911 · #13 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 10:14 AM

And it's a great way of getting yourself slapped, maybe even twice.

Cuchulain82 · #14 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 10:21 AM

This may sound kind of strange, but my advice is to act the way you feel. If you like her but aren't really as "in" to her as you once were, then act that way. Don't continue in a certain pattern just because it is convenient, and if you think you should slow things down, then do so.

Obsidian · #15 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 12:42 PM

LOL, keep your grubby hands to yourself Ik,
@ Jop, that makes a certain amount of sense... but Ik is right, I'll likely pay for it later.

@82, I just want to slow it down because despite what she says, I feel that I'm taking advantage of her.