How To Spawn Blockbuster RPG's

[fable]

Very good, LD.

Dialog choices consist of...

1) Very short "oh, really" comments that do nothing but provide punctuation for an NPC's speech.

2) Language and item purchasing options that never change in character, even if you're speaking with an NPC whose son you saved from slavery, or whose father you just shredded with a elven meat grinder (+4 to slice and dice).

3) Agreeing to a request, or acting like a 5-year-old throwing a fit. This either:

a) Ends the quest forever, or

b) Allows you to restart the dialog and choose between the same options over again. Ad infinitum.

[Lady Dragonfly]

ADVENTURING AT ITS BEST

1) Make FedEx-type quests the Chosen One’s first priority.

Upgrade: 10 sec after the Chosen One accepts a FedEx mission, he must receive a lucrative counter-offer from a bad guy.

Benefit: Illusion of “Moral Choice”.

2) Strategically position 150 pilgrims and merchants along the Chosen One’s path and make him escort each of them, one at a time, from point A to point B.

Upgrade: Make the escorted merchants and pilgrims walk very slowly.

Super Upgrade: Make the escorted merchants and pilgrims stuck in a tree, drown in a pond, or get killed by mosquitoes 5 sec prior to arrival.

Benefit: Increased replayability value.

3) Make the Chosen One work for free, refuse his rightful payment and starve in the street because after refusing 500 GP reward he can’t afford to pay 5 GP for a meal.

Upgrade: Make all merchandize -- decent armor and weapons -- cost 25,000 GP each.

Benefit: Young players learn that crime does not pay.

4) Create long meaningless cutscenes while disabling ESC.

Upgrade: Have these cutscenes immediately followed by a challenging duel requiring the player to reload at least fifty times.

5) Fill the map with a gazillion of annoying generic critters.

Upgrade: Make them attack the Chosen One from his bony behind every time he is engaged in a very important dialog.

6) Make a party member start a long philosophical dispute during a battle.

7) Make the weakest party members rush into the fray before the player even realizes there is going to be one.

8) Have at least one NPC permanently added to the party, against everybody’s will.

9) Create 10,000 fancy spells with only three or four useful.

Upgrade: Make monsters immune to all magic spells.

10) Place dragons in every cave.

Upgrade: Make each dragon look like purple Barney.

11) Create a sprawling skill tree with such skills as “Resistance to mold” and “Weather forecast proficiency”.

Upgrade: Make skills increase 0.0005% per added skill point per level.

12) Create a combat system that requires simultaneous pressing of 12 keys on the keyboard.

13) Alternatively, create a combat system that requires pressing Left Mouse Button only once – in the beginning of the game.

[Fiberfar]

You know, larger parts of the above posts remind me of Gothic II

And Morrowind of course.

[fable]

Vocal Acting

1) Try to get your programming staff to do all the vocal acting in your game. The fact that they mumble and can't be understood, much less act, is no detriment to their involvement.

2) If they can snicker or stumble while reading their lines, all the better.

3) If you have a part for a sneaky, underhanded farmer, be sure your programmer gives him or her a stereotypical Mexican accent. If it's a merchant, use an exaggerated, East European Jewish accent. The idea is to offend as many minorities as possible.

4) If your programming staff refuses, then use as much money in your budget as possible to hire the most expensive name talent. Even though this has never been shown to sell more games, yet definitely does detract from the cash you'll have for real game-related improvements, do it, by all means.

[Lady Dragonfly]

...MORE ADVENTURING

14) One of the taverns must feature a drinking contest. Dwarves rule.

Upgrade: the tavern doubles as a brothel.

15) Include at least one “lever puzzle” or “floor mosaic puzzle” that unlocks a door leading to FedEx Quest Item Chamber.

Upgrade: place an “apprentice diary” containing step-by-step solution to the puzzle into a nearby chest.

16) Update the Chosen One’s Journal every 5 minutes with detailed instructions on what he should do next. “You should talk to Morono, now”, “You should visit the castle Moronius, now.”, “You feel that you should travel to Morontown, now”.

Upgrade: Make all these visits compulsatory by eliminating all other options.

[Siberys]

4) If your programming staff refuses, then use as much money in your budget as possible to hire the most expensive name talent. Even though this has never been shown to sell more games, yet definitely does detract from the cash you'll have for real game-related improvements, do it, by all means.

Like Patrick Stewart for the very small five minute segment of Uriel Septim of Elder Scrolls 4 Oblivion.

[Lady Dragonfly]

$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

SMART MARKETING

1) Start calling your game a "breakthrough", "epic adventure" and "masterpiece" two years before its official release.

2) Advertise "hundreds of new monsters", "thousands of cool upgradeable items" and a "massive multiplayer option".

3) Announce your game "to be released in time for Christmas".

$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

[DesR85]

4) Mention how this game revolutionise the genre.

5) Over-hype the game up till the point of mentioning non-existent features

[Siberys]

6) Every advertisement for any blockbuster RPG must include the song "O Fortuna" in the background.

[Fiberfar]

7) Every preview movie released contains spectacular ingame movies. Showing gameplay is not recommended!

[Lady Dragonfly]

GEOGRAPHY

1) The Chosen One's Village must always be in the Western part of the world map.

2) The North Pole inhabited by polar bears and stupid mead-drinking Vikings is five minutes walk north from the Chosen One's Village.

3) The sun-scorched Southern Desert inhabited by nomadic merchants is five minutes walk south from the Chosen One's Village.

4) The Evil Adversary Lair is located in the inhospitable Eastern Region accessible only in Chapter 4.

5) The Evil Adversary prefers wastelands, smoky volcanoes, half-ruined Fortresses in the middle of nowhere and ancient underground passages leading to desecrated Temples.

6) Extermination of a local fauna gives a lot of XP. It is fun too.

7) Swimming under water (including freezing coastal waters dotted with icebergs) in full plate armor is perfectly natural.

[DesR85]

Game Environment

1) If in temperate areas, must include lots of foliage and trees up till the point of dragging the overall game performance no matter how weak or powerful your computer is.

2) The fauna must be interactive (a.k.a. you can pick the flowers and any useless shrub you see).

3) All villages have houses made of wood or brick with straw roofs. Castles are always found in larger cities.

4) Always have extremely long view distance to let the player enjoy how far the eye can see, which in turn, also affects overall game performance as well.

5) All animals (except deers and smaller animals) are hostile to you and instantly attack on first sight.

[Siberys]

Game Environment- Continued-

-If a deadly poisonous animal or insect exists in real life, it will be at least a thousand times the normal size in the video game.

-There's only one human, but there's also eight thousand versions of elves.

-If a traveling bandit stops you and demands all your money and you have none, instead of killing you like a normal one would, he will instead grow a sad face and complain about how even a robber can't get a days worth of money in in most cases (Actually had this happen to me in oblivion).

-Animals never actually appear in the appropriate wilderness. A timber wolf will always be in the temperate forests, black bears can be seen near beach areas as well as mountain tops, and wild boars will roam anywhere yet there's no such thing as wild horses.

[DesR85]

Game Environment -Continuation-

- Trolls and ogres are found everywhere. Sometimes placed near a treasure chest but most of the time, scattered around the map.

- Animals may attack each other and also attack human NPCs even though they're minding their own business.

- Traders are nowhere to be seen travelling from one town/city to another even though towns and cities are re-stocked with supplies and equipment on a daily basis.

[Siberys]

The Trade and Mercantile of every town-

-Shops will always have infinite gold and yet have a limit to how much they will pay for something.

-A barter system will either be completely absent or so insanely complex that it'd be better if it were just absent.

-Though the game says "Thousands of different items you can buy," in reality it's thousands of different versions of the same items, I.E. Iron Hammer, Rusty Iron Hammer, Low Quality Iron Hammer, Damaged Iron Hammer, Masterwork Iron Hammer, Superior Iron Hammer, Thick Iron Hammer, Fine Iron Hammer.

-No matter how advanced the society, if not equal to or more technological than the modern age, gold is the main currency. Every time.

-Even with encumbrance, you have infinite space in your inventory, defying the laws of physics of a torn and tattered backpack.

-Gold Never has weight.