Damnation Without Relief

[dragon wench]

I thought it might be fun to post some of our favourite skits and comment on comedians we really like


Here is my candidate:

First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean



Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.

And here is an actual video clip of the above (the video is slightly different to the above text )

[JonIrenicus]

One of my favorite Will Farrell skits If you ever get a chance to see it, be prepared to laugh and laugh hard

Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.

Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!

Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.

Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson!

Alan: It's incredible!

Bobby: I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!

Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ]

[ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]

Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?

Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay?

Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene.

Gene Frenkle: Yeah?

Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing.

[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell while dancing crazily. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Frenkle misses a beat on his cowbell.]

Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please?

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first!

Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.

Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough..

Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.

Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track!

Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing.

[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear until Eric pushes him, causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]

Eric: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] Come on, people!

Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!

Alan: [ grabs Gene's shirt ] Don't blow this for us, Gene!

Bobby: [ cracks up ] Yeah, quit being so selfish, Gene!

Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?

Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby. Say it.

Gene Frenkle: I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson!

Bruce Dickinson: The **** of the walk, baby!

Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!

Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!

Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.

Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!

Gene Frenkle: ..and I'll be doing myself a disservice -- [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] -- and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this.

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]

Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby..

Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.

[ everyone agrees ]

Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?

Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.

Gene Frenkle: Thank you.

Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all be wearing gold-plated diapers.

Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]

Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4.

[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]

[Lestat]

psst DW, it's Rowan Atkinson. Mr. Bean is only one of his characters...
I think I posted JonI's skitt somewhere, anyway it's easy to find on youtube using the search tearms cowbell & Will Farrell. I think Christopher Walken is brilliant in that sketch.

[JonIrenicus]

Originally Posted by Lestat

I think Christopher Walken is brilliant in that sketch.

He is, no doubt. Although I think he is funny where ever they put him.

[Damuna_Nova]

I don't get your one, JI.