| @LordGothren: Writing a book is quite different from for instance speaking with your friends or posting at an internet forum, and to be enjoyable and interesting for the reader, a book requires another type of structure and language than the spoken language. My advise to you is that you try reading some books you like and study carefully how they are structured and how the language is used. Some points to consider are how is the story introduced? how is gaps in time dealt with? how is communication between the characters described? How is the environment described? etc.
To comment briefly on the piece of text you have posted here, I can see two major flaws that you must work on:
1. Style. You cannot write like you talk. You must strive for a better language, not repeating the same words as often, not using as many unnecessary expressions that belongs to the spoken language and vary sentence structure.
2. Drop the dialogue. Most of your text consists of trivial dialogue between people. You write what they say, like lines in a play. Instead of "Hello OFficer Mendelson" said his mother "I hope the day has gone well?" "Quite well thank you " said the thick mustached face of Officer Andrew Mendelson" you could write "After briefly greeting mrs Jones, Mendelson turned to the young man/Jeremy and...blahblah".
I cannot comment on the content since I don't know what story you want to tell, but if it is important for the story that the town has been wrapped in toilet paper, you should try to create some tension in the introduction.
Good luck!
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