Because you want to write this as a book and really want comments, this could be the place for it, but just in future, there is also a 'Fan Fiction' forum where you can post your works
.
On the topic... well I'm not sure what you have written is supposed to be. If that is the chapter in full, it's extremely short. If it's notes to be later fleshed out, then it's not really good note form.
Others might think differently, but I can't really write much until I find out what it is you have written is supposed to be, and what you want the comments to relate to.